On Weight Gain, Judgement and Cute Dresses

Wow. It's been almost a year since I last blogged. 2013 was a really hard year for me and I wasn't up for sharing my struggles, apparently. I have had some physical, emotional and professional struggles that have had a serious impact on my healthy lifestyle. I'm happy to report that I am back on track and aside from the Polar Vortex screwing with my life, 2014 has been a good one and continues to look sunny. Well, not outside, but in my head.

Dreaming of summer. 

July 3, 2012 I was at my lowest weight since I was a freshman in college.  Since that date, I have gained back (from a 60 pound weight loss) about 29 pounds (it was actually more like 36 pounds but I have lost 7 since January 1). A lot of things factored in to that gain including recovery from a severely broken ankle, fertility treatments (that included two surgeries), a miscarriage, a lots and lots of sadness. The whole year just sort of sucked and I let it get to me. 

Ankle recovery last summer. 

I have been so humiliated about my weight gain and didn't want to face the music. Avoidance just made everything worse, though, believe me. I've always had such an issue with being judged and worrying about what people think of me. And old habits die hard. So I just hid. Hid from this blog, hid from the world, hid from myself…all while slowly gaining weight. 

I am a big fan of the show, The Biggest Loser, and really loved and connected with Ali Vincent, who was the first female to win the show several years ago. She has a show on the LiveWell Network called Live Big with Ali Vincent. In a recent episode, she came clean about her weight gain since winning the show and the judgment that comes with it. I could so relate to her but on a much smaller scale. She is famous and get recognized everywhere so strangers are often asking her how much she weighs, looking her up and down, and judging her. 

Watch Video Here: http://livewellnetwork.com/Live-Big-with-Ali-Vincent/episodes/Ali-Vincent-Steps-on-Scale-and-Reveals-Her-Weight-Gain/9405085 

She was really brave to get back on that scale and show the world her 50-ish pound weight gain and her struggle to get it back off. I deal with that within my small, anonymous circle of life and it is so hard and humiliating. I can’t imagine being called out by a stranger. Mostly people are nice and encouraging, but I can see it their eyes and hear it in their tone. I am overly sensitive too, so it is always 1000 times worse in my head than theirs, but it's there and it's destructive.

Life is hard enough without us judging ourselves and each other so ferociously. I am seeing this now on the other spectrum with the newest female winner of The Biggest Loser, Rachel Frederickson and her astonishing 155 pound weight loss (she went from 260 pounds to 105 pounds). Now instead of being judged for being too fat, she is being judged for being too thin. I do think she is too thin because she no longer looks like the triathlon winning athlete she was toward the end of the show but, rather, someone who is living up to a Hollywood standard of beauty and health. 

Photo Source: http://www.nbc.com/the-biggest-loser/photos 

I mean, come on, Jennifer Lawrence is always going on and on about how she’s an anomaly in Hollywood because she’s not a hanger with skin, but she looks pretty damn thin to me. I’m glad she’s alright with how she looks because she should be. She is thin. She isn't even “normal” thin. She’s thin-thin. And calling herself a "fat actress" just reiterates to all of us that the standard is unattainable. Do you think people would go on and on about how brave she is to talk about her weight and being okay with it if she was Melissa McCarthy?

I'd "refuse to diet" too if I looked like this!

Do I wish I was 105 pounds? Hell yes, I do. Do I want to do what it takes to be 105 pounds? Hell no, I don’t. But what I do want is to be fit, healthy and look semi-cute in a dress. Call me shallow, but hey, I’m not going to pretend that I am alright with being a snug size 16. I am not alright with weighing 232 pounds. I am not alright with running a 14 minute mile. I am not alright with having to be scraped off the floor with a giant spatula after Bootcamp. I want to push myself to always be a better version of me, but I don’t want to be judged for my struggles. Feeling badly about myself doesn't push me to work harder, it makes me want to eat a bag of Doritos while lying on the couch watching a Dance Moms marathon (yes, I watch it, don’t judge me!). 

There was too much of this going on in the entire month of December. 

And believe me I am the loudest critic (of myself) of all. Like Mean Girls, plus Heathers with a little Cruel Intentions mixed in. But it's inevitable, right? It’s just the way the world works. So, let them judge. Yes, my dress is shorter in the back than in the front because of my bubble butt. Go ahead, judge away. Yes, I am dead last in Bootcamp and everyone is waiting on my slow ass to finish. Avert your eyes, it’s okay. True, the bottom button of my chef coat is stretched tighter than plastic wrap. I say, thank God for aprons. And on I trudge. 

That bottom button is earning its paycheck, man. 

The good news is, I am getting healthier. I have been logging my food on Lost It maintaining about 1500 calories a day. I slip here and there and my job doesn't help much but overall, my eating has been very healthy and well logged. I have also been back to Bootcamp (5 days last week!) and running on the treadmill for now since there is about 3 feet of snow on the ground. Although I did go snowshoeing and that was a lot of fun. I hate winter and I hate cold, though, so I've mostly been inside. 

Cold! Cold! Cold!

I am down 7 pounds since January 1 and am pretty happy with that. I formed a support group with friends from work, home and the gym and that helps a ton. So onward and upward I go (or downward, hopefully). I am sure there will be some obstacles ahead, but I will face them head on, work at being the best version of me and sweat my ass off in the process. Go ahead, judge away.