Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Ma’am, Put Down the Birthday Cake
Oh my God I am so nervous about my show airing tomorrow (Fat Chef on Food Network, Thursday, March 1, 10/9C).
Did I mention I am a stress eater? It’s been killing me not to go face down in a birthday cake all week. I haven’t done it but all I can think about is what they are going to show on my episode and how badly I want to eat an entire sheet cake with extra icing. I won’t do it. But, damn, do I want to. That’s the old me, though. I don’t drown my feelings with food anymore. Doesn’t mean I can’t think about it.
Every time I think about the show I get this “clunk” in the pit of my stomach. Don’t get me wrong, I know what I signed up for and I don’t regret a thing I said or did. I was 100 percent me and 100 percent real the whole time. But I don’t necessarily want to relive some of those incredibly sad and vulnerable times in my life (not to mention the jiggly, sweaty, red faced, cursing and crying moments either).
The thing is, I am not a Fat Chef anymore, and I don’t want to see myself that way again. I’m over it. Done. Finito. Fin. I have completely and utterly adopted this Healthy Chef lifestyle. It’s who I am. It’s what I do. So I think my anxiety is about seeing that old me. It’s like an ex who you loved but you know wasn’t at all right for you and staying with him would have been the end of you. It’s best to let them go and never see them again. I don’t want to see the old me again. I guess it’s a good reminder, though, so that history doesn’t repeat itself.
My workout regimen has been great. Running 3-4 days per week and doing Bootcamp class 3-4 days per week. I try to “net” 1000 calories per day. So anything I eat over 1000 calories I try to burn off with working out except on my rest day. I try to keep that a low calorie day. It’s been working most days. I have the occasional high calorie day and the occasional crappy workout, but that’s life. If I can’t figure out how to roll with those punches, well, I haven’t made much progress then, have I?
I had an incredibly enlightening session with my therapist about the issue of getting under 200 pounds. It’s long and twisty road but it basically boils down to control issues. I’ll get into it in a later blog but I can’t focus on it right now. All I can focus on is keeping my head above water until the show airs. Then I can breathe freely again and move on with the next phase of my life…paying it forward. ‘Til then, pray for me.
Follow me on Twitter @fitfoodiechef. I will live tweet during the show but I won’t be answering any calls or texts until Friday. Xo <3
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Decades, Mental Blocks and Booze
Sorry it’s been a while since I blogged. I used the excuse of participating in the Food Network Fat Chef program to put off a bunch of stuff for last four months and once the filming was over, it all came crashing down around me. I’ve been picking up the pieces (slowly but surely) at work, home and everywhere else.
It’s been a month since my final weigh in for the show and I have been working out 6 days a week still (just (just, ha!) once a day now though instead of two) and staying on my healthy eating plan for the most part. The food hasn’t really been an issue for me (I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth!). Whatever switch needed to flip regarding my food issues has flipped and I am not battling with food like I used to. Oh, the occasional food porn on TV will set off a craving, but I am better equipped to deal with that now, rather than before when I would binge after seeing the commercial for the cascading waterfall of potato chips in slow motion set to porn music. My issue has been alcohol. I pretty much stopped drinking during the four months of the Fat Chef program aside from the occasional glass of wine during the holidays or at a wedding. I am still abstaining during the week but it seems like I am reverting a little to old patterns of staying 100 percent on plan during the week and splurging on the weekends. Not with the food so much but I’ve been enjoying copious amounts of wine. I am logging every bite and sip but the indulgences are slowing my weight loss down tremendously.
I’ve lost about 4 pounds since the final weigh in, which is a pound a week and healthy, I know. But I am stuck in a place I’ve been stuck in before and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I am right on the cusp of a new weight decade (and century for that matter) that I haven’t seen in 20 years. I am still in the low 200’s and every time I have lost weight before, I’ve gotten to this point and then gained all of the weight back. It’s some sort of mental block about getting below 200 pounds. Why is it that when I am on the verge of getting to that new beautiful decade and out of the 200’s that I start to slow down, even start sabotaging myself? I don’t know yet, but thankfully I am still in therapy and will be working on it with my therapist. I’ll keep you posted on what I find out. I’ve worked through the emotional eating issues I’ve suffered from for the last 20 years, now it’s on to the next issue of the 190’s mental block.
Back to the booze. I feel like that beautiful, delicious temptress, wine, is the culprit for my slow down. So with Lent arriving today, I’ve decided to (gasp) give up booze for Lent. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m such a devout Catholic, much to my poor, sweet mother’s chagrin. But I have always really loved the idea of Lent culminating with Easter and sacrificing something you love for a greater good. I also love the true meaning of that notion about God and Jesus, but this isn’t a religion blog and I’m not one to discuss religion (or money or politics, for that matter). So, religion and my beliefs aside, I am taking this time during Lent to give up alcohol again (with no special occasions this time) and hope that the sacrifice will refocus my efforts, get me into the 100s and help me get past my mental block that is holding me at a weight that has been my burden for the last 20 years. I know it’s a just a number, but it means something really big to me to beat it.
On a more exciting (and slightly terrifying) note, my episode of Fat Chef airs next Thursday (March 1) on Food Network at 10/9C. Everybody keeps asking me if I’m having a viewing party and my answer is always the same. A resounding “F*ck no!” I’ll be watching it with my husband from under a blanket with a tiny peephole! No, seriously though, I want to watch it alone with Mike first to get through what I know will be a great story but dosed with a plethora of cringe worthy moments for me. A girl can only handle so much.
I will still Tweet live during the episode (@fitfoodiechef) to give you some additional insight that I know they won’t be able to show. So follow me on Twitter and Like me on Facebook (facebook.com/fitfoodiechef) to get the scoop.
Thank you, all of you, for the support, kind words of encouragement and tales of your own weight loss woes and triumphs! It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
It’s been a month since my final weigh in for the show and I have been working out 6 days a week still (just (just, ha!) once a day now though instead of two) and staying on my healthy eating plan for the most part. The food hasn’t really been an issue for me (I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth!). Whatever switch needed to flip regarding my food issues has flipped and I am not battling with food like I used to. Oh, the occasional food porn on TV will set off a craving, but I am better equipped to deal with that now, rather than before when I would binge after seeing the commercial for the cascading waterfall of potato chips in slow motion set to porn music. My issue has been alcohol. I pretty much stopped drinking during the four months of the Fat Chef program aside from the occasional glass of wine during the holidays or at a wedding. I am still abstaining during the week but it seems like I am reverting a little to old patterns of staying 100 percent on plan during the week and splurging on the weekends. Not with the food so much but I’ve been enjoying copious amounts of wine. I am logging every bite and sip but the indulgences are slowing my weight loss down tremendously.
I’ve lost about 4 pounds since the final weigh in, which is a pound a week and healthy, I know. But I am stuck in a place I’ve been stuck in before and it’s scaring the shit out of me. I am right on the cusp of a new weight decade (and century for that matter) that I haven’t seen in 20 years. I am still in the low 200’s and every time I have lost weight before, I’ve gotten to this point and then gained all of the weight back. It’s some sort of mental block about getting below 200 pounds. Why is it that when I am on the verge of getting to that new beautiful decade and out of the 200’s that I start to slow down, even start sabotaging myself? I don’t know yet, but thankfully I am still in therapy and will be working on it with my therapist. I’ll keep you posted on what I find out. I’ve worked through the emotional eating issues I’ve suffered from for the last 20 years, now it’s on to the next issue of the 190’s mental block.
Back to the booze. I feel like that beautiful, delicious temptress, wine, is the culprit for my slow down. So with Lent arriving today, I’ve decided to (gasp) give up booze for Lent. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m such a devout Catholic, much to my poor, sweet mother’s chagrin. But I have always really loved the idea of Lent culminating with Easter and sacrificing something you love for a greater good. I also love the true meaning of that notion about God and Jesus, but this isn’t a religion blog and I’m not one to discuss religion (or money or politics, for that matter). So, religion and my beliefs aside, I am taking this time during Lent to give up alcohol again (with no special occasions this time) and hope that the sacrifice will refocus my efforts, get me into the 100s and help me get past my mental block that is holding me at a weight that has been my burden for the last 20 years. I know it’s a just a number, but it means something really big to me to beat it.
On a more exciting (and slightly terrifying) note, my episode of Fat Chef airs next Thursday (March 1) on Food Network at 10/9C. Everybody keeps asking me if I’m having a viewing party and my answer is always the same. A resounding “F*ck no!” I’ll be watching it with my husband from under a blanket with a tiny peephole! No, seriously though, I want to watch it alone with Mike first to get through what I know will be a great story but dosed with a plethora of cringe worthy moments for me. A girl can only handle so much.
I will still Tweet live during the episode (@fitfoodiechef) to give you some additional insight that I know they won’t be able to show. So follow me on Twitter and Like me on Facebook (facebook.com/fitfoodiechef) to get the scoop.
Thank you, all of you, for the support, kind words of encouragement and tales of your own weight loss woes and triumphs! It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
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