Half a Billion Dreams

One of my favorite things to do with my husband is dream about what we would do if we won the lottery. With the big 500 million dollar prize looming, it’s even more fun to fantasize about. Truthfully, I can’t even imagine what half a billion dollars looks like, but I sure know how I want to spend it. And yes, I know it wouldn’t really be 500 million dollars after taxes and all that, blah blah blah, and I know I have a better chance being killed by a vending machine than winning that money but stop being a buzz kill and fantasize along with me for a moment.

I like to think that the first thing I would do would be something charitable but honestly, the first thing I would do would take a sabbatical (ha, like a 50 year sabbatical) from work and Mike and I would go to the fanciest fat farm in the world (I’m thinking Sweden or somewhere amazing like that) for two months and finally get down to my goal weight and then have plastic surgery to tone up all of the loose skin I would inevitably have. God is that shallow, or what? But I would totally do it.

I would, of course, ensure my and my husband’s entire families and closest friends were set up for the rest of their lives with college funds, paid off mortgages and other debts, etc. and invest a ton of it to live off the interest, etc. That’s the boring stuff. Important, but boring.

I would rent the entire Fiji Islands and bring all of my friends and family there for a week long party.

I would set up a foundation to pay off the college debt of recent graduates who put themselves through school with hard work and sacrifice. I’ve seen too many scholarships go to waste and don’t you think it would be so awesome to work your ass off to get through school and then have someone pay off all of your school debt and give you like $50,000 to start your life off right? And it would be a surprise at graduation for them. God, I love the thought of that! That’s a serious life changer.

I’d buy houses in San Francisco, Chicago, New York City, Breckenridge (or whatever ski town Mike wants), Marathon Key and Florence, Italy and full staff to take care of them so that Mike and I (or our friends and family) could go to any of them at any time we felt like it.

I’d call up Michael Kors and ask him if I could buy part of his company and be his business partner (and ask him to be my gay boyfriend) and wear nothing but his clothes for the rest of my life.

I’d start a school or foundation for overweight culinary students to teach them how to be healthy, lose weight, and become practitioners of healthy lifestyles to help change the foodservice industry.

I’d buy the house next door to Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa) and weasel my way into her life so we’d become lifelong friends and drink tea together from the freshly grown mint in our gardens and swap recipes and ideas for how to use hydrangeas. God, I just broke out into a sweat.

I’d make sure Robert Brace (my trainer from Fat Chef) and Chris my local trainer could both work out with me every day. You know, I’d just fly them in for the workout and fly them back home afterwards, wherever Mike and I were that week.

And I would have spa treatments every day.

Okay so the majority of that is really shallow and you all know that, of course, I would give a huge portion of the money to the right charities (ones that actually get amazing things done) but this is a fantasy and I want Ina Garten to be my tea-drinking buddy. Even if I have to buy her love.

Exercise is fun?

I beat over 6800 people in a race yesterday! Me! The Girl Who Comes in Last beat that many people. Okay, so 27,500 people beat me in the race, but hey, I’m a glass-is-half-full -kinda-gal. Really, though, I don’t care what place I came in, but I do care about my time for the race. I talked about in my last blog about how I have to change my frame of reference in races now that I am more than halfway to my weight loss goal of 100 pounds. It’s not “just” about finishing now (which is an admirable goal, don’t get me wrong) but I need to push myself to get to a higher level in my fitness and weight loss goals. So I set a goal to complete the Bank of America Shamrock Shuffle in under an hour and I did it! In 57 minutes and 39 seconds to be exact. And, I can’t believe this, but I had fun doing it. A lot of fun.

BEAT MY GOAL!

Now, don’t get me wrong. It was hard as hell, especially the Mt. Everest sized hill that preceded the finish line, but it was also a helluva good time. I raced with three of my closest friends and we dressed up in crazy outfits and it was a beautiful day in downtown Chicago and we were right in the middle of 35,000 people running like lunatics through the streets of the city. It was a blast!

Spending the day, beating goals, with my best girls! Stacey, me, Meg and Draga.

When we hit mile 4, I was actually shocked at how fast it was going and couldn’t believe that we had less than a mile left to finish. That never, ever happens to me. I didn’t have runners high at all, but it was just going by so fast. I actually still can’t believe it. My experiences running at all, let alone in races, were always ones of dying, out of breath, red faced, cursing and feeling slightly humiliated that I was plodding along with my anything-but-graceful stomp of a stride at the end of the pack, wounded wildebeest style. I was still all of those things but I was right in the middle of the pack, running at what I consider a great pace and I was smiling through the whole thing (still am actually). Less wounded wildebeest and more happy hyena. Well, maybe not happy at the end of that hill but once I was able to breathe again and the lights stopped popping in front of my eyes, I held hands with my girls and we barreled through the finish line, laughing/grimacing all the way!

Holding hands through the glorious finish!

I then managed to completely lose my mind and eat my weight in junk food all day. I don’t know what came over me and I felt like complete shit by the end of the day. So much so that I went to bed early thinking I caught the flu. I woke up this morning just fine and was reminded of how important good nutrition is and that I spent so many years of my life unknowingly feeling like shit because I ate whatever I wanted all the time completely mindlessly. I never knew what truly feeling healthy felt like.

This is usually how I feel in races (or running at all).

I woke up this morning not wanting more junk food or feeling derailed at all, which would have been my M.O. in the past and would have led me through a drive thru for a delicious nasty breakfast sandwich. Not anymore, though. I had a healthy protein shake and vowed to eat cleanly to detox my body from the piles of crap I consumed yesterday, which, at the time, were delicious but so not worth the stomach ache, heartburn and fever symptoms I felt at the end of the night.

Epic, indeed.

Wild Animals and Post Traumatic Stress

The Batavia Triathlon is 13 weeks away! I can’t believe it. That also means that SUMMER IS COMING! My favorite season and I can’t wait. Although I can’t complain because we have had an incredibly mild and warm Winter, which I’m hoping means the same thing for Spring and Summer. It’s 70 degrees today in Chicago in early March and I welcome it with open arms! I didn’t even need to wear anything other than a long sleeved t-shirt on my 3 mile run this morning at 5:30 a.m. Well and that and pants, of course. Wouldn’t that have been a sight to see! Ha!

My last three days of workouts have been extremely hard on me and I’m not sure why. I had a hot stone massage (oh yeah, baby) on Saturday and I am now paranoid that it weakened my muscles. My run on Sunday was agonizingly hard, although it was a trail run, which I never do. It was beautiful, by the way, and we saw a ton of deer, really close up. They did make me a little nervous though because they were really big and, um, wild animals! I was running with one of my best friends who I have been friends with since I was 11 years old and we often manage to get ourselves into sticky situations. We were chased by two Dobermans once when we were 12 - she on a bike with one pedal and me on a bike that was too big for me and I could barely reach the pedals. Probably not the best pair to navigate a trail full of deer (and God knows what else). I asked her if deer bite (as if she would know) and she was like, “Uh, I don’t think so?” with very little confidence. Needless to say, we must have looked nuts yelling and clapping, trying to scare the deer away. They were just looking at us like, “bitch, please.” I think I even saw one roll it’s eyes.

So, that was a tough run, then in Bootcamp on Monday I felt like it was Day One all over again. I huffed, and puffed and sweated like a beast through the whole thing. And then this morning, I struggled to make the entire three miles of my run and had to walk a couple of times. What is wrong with me? Hopefully by Bootcamp tomorrow night my body will shake whatever yuckiness it’s feeling and I’ll be back to my old self. Although Wednesday night Bootcamp is notoriously hard; so much so that we’ve renamed it Pukecamp. For good reason. At least I’m not letting this yuckiness keep me from working out. I just need to slug through it.

I had this really sad moment of post traumatic stress over the weekend. Like I said, I had a massage on Saturday that was part of a really fun day with my two best friends - fabulous (healthy) lunch and then to the spa. We lingered a little too long over lunch and had to high tail it to the spa which was across a very large mall. I, in typical fashion, had extremely inappropriate walking shoes on (5 inch wedge heel boots) and was falling behind them trying to make it to our appointments on time. I told them to run ahead and check us in and I’d meet them there. I didn’t want to try and run in those boots and risk injuring myself. That’s all I need. So they ran ahead and I plodded behind them. All of a sudden, I had this overwhelming feeling like I was going to cry and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I had to really stop and assess my feelings and I realized that I used to never be able to keep up with my very fit and active friends because I was too heavy. This time it wasn’t the weight holding me back, but I still had the same feeling. Now, my friends are amazing and never, ever made me feel badly for not being able to keep up in the past. They never even acknowledged it, but it was always the elephant in the room (no pun intended). But I always knew it was there and was always embarrassed by it. When I got to the spa behind them I told them about it and they both felt so badly. It really was a gift, though, because it was a clear demonstration of how far I’ve come and a heartbreaking reminder that the only time I ever want to fall behind again is because of fabulous shoes. That, I can live with.The alternative, I can't.

Training, Eating and Stress (Oh My!)

Thank you, again, to everyone who watched my episode of Fat Chef on Food Network and who reached out with kind words, support and love. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and affection for each and every one of you.

So, on with life! I have two large fitness goals coming up. The first one is the Batavia Triathlon on June 10, 2012 and the Fox Valley Half Marathon on September 16, 2012.

I am especially excited to participate in the Batavia Triathlon. I think of last year and all of the fears I had surrounding the event. This year feels so different. I’m still anxious about the actual event itself. A triathlon is damn hard no matter how in-shape you are but I have come to realize that I have to change the way I think about participating in it. Last year I was all about finishing. “I just want to finish,” was my mantra. And finish I did…dead last. I didn’t care at all that I was last. Well, I did care for a little bit when I doubted whether I could keep moving on towards the end there, but my focus was just FINISHING.

Bringing up the rear! Batavia Triathlon 2011.

This year, I need a new focus. I am at a different level, physically and mentally, and I need to focus on improving my performance in the race. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any delusions of grandeur here, but I do want to perform well. It’s not about being the Big Girl Triathlon Finisher anymore. I am not diminishing that experience at all – I was over 260 pounds when I finished that triathlon and that was one of the proudest moments of my life. But now I have to focus on the next level of health and fitness for me; improving form and results. Chris, my trainer, is helping with this. And by helping I mean he is completely up my ass commenting on and correcting every move I make, which I am grateful for (most of the time).

My trainer Chris with me at my final weigh in for Fat Chef. Don't let the pearly whites fool you, he's a beast. P.S. how awesome are my shoes?

The half marathon scares me. The last time I ran a half marathon, I completely stopped running afterwards  because it was a terrible experience. Again, I am a totally different person this time and am approaching it differently but I’m still scared. And being scared makes me stressed and being stressed makes me want to eat buckets full of ice cream.

I’m not eating buckets full of ice cream (or buckets full of anything for that matter, Hello! Portion control!), but I still have to work every day at managing my stress and emotions and not using food as a tool for that. Stress also inhibits weight loss which is a super fun conundrum! I’ve been working with my therapist about this and my obsession with getting below 200 pounds. She basically told me that in the past, whatever goal I have set for myself I’ve achieved within the timeline I set for achieving it. I’m frustrated because this goal of getting below 200 pounds isn’t happening fast enough for my liking and the stress over obsessing about it is hampering the weight loss. Isn’t that a nice little vicious circle? So, instead of focusing on getting under 200 pounds as a goal, she wants me to focus on goals that have more immediate results (like improving my running speed or my form in Bootcamp class) which will have a by-product of weight loss. I can stop obsessing with being below 200 pounds and focus on improving my results for both races. Hopefully a win-win-win situation.

Now, if I can figure out how to eat buckets full of ice cream without gaining weight…oh well, a goal for another time.

P.S. Still keeping my Lenten promise of no alcohol except for the night after my episode of Fat Chef aired. I got special dispensation from the best Catholic at my table that night (thanks, Liz) to celebrate with a couple (ahem, 5) glasses of wine. I had some friends come out to celebrate with me and my best supporter (and the cutest guy I know).  

Day after show airing party. Aside from really being able to see my weight loss in this pic, I really love it because my bra is showing. My husband is a lucky, lucky man.

 

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22 Minutes

Wow! Where to start?

Well, this really about sums it up.

This was my calendar today...how appropriate...

I am so happy that the show finally aired and that I made it through. Like I said before, I wasn’t scared of how I would come across in the show. I was 100 percent me the entire time. Yes, I could have lived without some of the eating montages (and close-ups) but it was real and it was who I was at the time. I was worried about reliving some of those very hard moments, especially the scene at the Dairy Queen in Merrillville and the meeting with the celebrity “nutritionist” JJ Virgin because, aside from my dad dying, those were truly two of the hardest days of my life.

I have received so many incredible emails, Facebook posts and Tweets and I will get to them all, I promise. I just wanted to get this blog out because I wanted to make some comments about some of the scenes in the show while it is still fresh in my bursting brain right now.

A before and after (who is that girl on the left?)

Now, you have to realize that I was filmed every week, sometimes twice a week, for four months. That equates about 1000 hours of footage that was whittled down, very well I might add, by the editors at the Food Network to 22 minutes. I can’t even begin to imagine the enormity of that task and frankly it makes me so overwhelmed just thinking about it. There are so many things that happened that didn’t make the cut that I wanted to point a couple of them out here.

But before I do that, I just have say…Is my husband the most adorable person you’ve ever seen, or what? He is unfailing in his support and love for me and I am so glad the world got to see our love, our friendship and our bond. That first scene of him getting choked up was amazing. I love him so much.

This picture cracks me up, and is so us. L.O.V.E

Okay, so…

1. I’ve said this before but the key to my transformation from a Fat Chef to a Fit Chef was because of going to therapy. Robert and Chris (my trainers) were, and are, both amazing people and teachers. Even JJ Virgin, while definitely not on my Christmas Card list, had an impact on me. But nothing compares to the healing I have done through therapy. I will continue to encourage people who are struggling with obesity, especially long term obesity, to get therapy. It has completely changed my life. I am still going regularly and will continue to do so. Unfortunately, they did not show or talk about my therapy in the show, which is understandable, but I thank Robert every day for encouraging me to make this part of my treatment.

2. My support system made of my husband, family, friends, work colleagues and students was pivotal to my success. I think the show did a great job portraying that but what you saw was truly just the tip of the iceberg. Unlike some of the other chefs on the show, I never had to contend with people trying to sabotage me, people being upset when I chose working out over work or social activities or just people generally being unsupportive. From my husband to my boss, everyone was 100 percent on board and 100 percent supportive. I have the best people in my life and I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

3. One of the comments I have received a lot is that people were very interested in my job. I am so used to teaching Culinary and it is such a huge part of my world that I forget how unique it is. I love my job. I love my students. And I am so fortunate to work for a place and do the kind of work that I do which allows me to feed my passion and do a good deed at the same time. I’ll say it again…I love my job. And I’m so glad that the world got a glimpse of how amazing it really is.

If feel sorry for whoever I was giving that look to in the before pic. My sisters call that "the look."

4. The crying. Oh, the crying. I am an emotional person (Really? Thanks Captain Obvious!). I’ve been that way since I came out of the womb. Every emotion I feel...happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. makes me cry. It is the one thing I truly don’t like about myself, but hey, it is what it is. I just wish I wasn’t crying in EVERY scene. But whatever, it was real. It was hard. And I cried. A lot. A dear friend once told me that crying is watering your garden. It has to be done. She is right.

5. Another comment I have been getting a lot is that people are so glad I stuck to my guns about not spitting out my students’ food. Robert is not a chef and he didn’t get it. He gets it now but there was not a snowball’s chance in hell that I would have ever spit out my students’ food. I respect them too much to do that, plus it’s gross. I’m no dainty flower, but spitting is disgusting. I thought the compromise was good. Yes, maybe it will take me a little longer to reach my goal weight because of it, but I am more conscience of it now and I take steps each day I teach to work out a little longer and harder (and take the goddamn stairs).

6. A lot of you did not love JJ Virgin. I did not love her either but one of the things she taught me that wasn’t shown was that I have to live this life all of the time. I decided to be the Fit Chef and I needed to start acting like it. She made me realize that it’s okay to ask people to cook healthy for me and that I can cook healthy for them with no excuses. I need to live this life 24/7 and she was right. For that, I thank her. For making me bawl about not having children (and they cut out the worst thing she said which I won’t repeat), well, she can suck it.

So, there you have it. To celebrate the airing of the show, I woke up this morning and ran a 5K at 5:30 a.m. I thought it fitting to just be who I am and do what I would normally do. Even if the buzzing in my head didn’t stop until about 1:00 a.m. 

After my run this morning...it felt great! Cold and early, but great!

I really want to thank the Food Network for this incredible opportunity. I said in the show about the old Eastern saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher will come,” and I truly believe that. I was so ready for this change and when the opportunity to participate in the show came to me, I knew I had to take it. It is no coincidence that Robert Brace, Chris Hylton (local Batavia trainer), my therapist and even the production team were all of the right people to be my teachers, supporters, cheerleaders, shoulders to cry on and my inspirations. I was ready for them and they appeared.

I love the musical Wicked and there is a song from it called, “For Good.” It perfectly sums up how I feel about everyone in my life who has been on this journey with me:

“I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better…

Because I knew you... I have been changed for good”

Thank you to all of you too for always supporting me, putting up with my rambling blogs, encouraging me on my workouts and being my friends. xo <3

NOTE: A special thanks to Sarah Laubenstein from Evolve Hair Suite. She is my stylist and friend and did my beautiful hair for the finale. Thank you, too, to Ericka Porter, who was a producer on the show and makeup artist extraordinaire. She did my makeup for the finale and I am so blessed that I can call her a friend. Also to Zo, Justin, Jason, Kenzie and Rob who were the production team on my journey with me. They are the best and I’m proud to call them friends. Lastly to Sue Doebler, my running buddy and my web designer. My beautiful web site she designed for me will be up soon: www.fitfoodiechef.com.