Delusions of Grandeur

The Fox Valley Half Marathon is in two weeks. I can't believe it! Man this summer has flown by. I have been so busy training, working and volunteering that I haven't had a chance to blog. So much great stuff has happened and I've been dying to get it all on paper (well, virtual paper that is).

Aside from cool stuff like two of my friends doing their very first 5Ks (way to go Ann Marie and Sarah!) I have been training like a beast for this Half Marathon. Oh, and eating like one too. I don't know if it's psychosomatic or what but I feel like all of this training is making me hungrier than normal (and I'm always frickin' hungry) but I can't get enough food in my gob. I'm fighting it every day but have gained about 5 pounds. I've leveled off but am working really hard (still effing trying) to get below 200 pounds. I know someday I will get there. I just have to keep plugging along.

My friend Sarah and I at her first 5K. I didn't get to do Ann Marie's with her but am doing one with her in November!

Last Sunday, I was scheduled to do a 7 mile training run. I usually try to run with friends when I can but sometimes end up doing it by myself. Since I can't run to music (it screws up my pace), I've been listening to audiobooks to help the time go by. It's actually really effective. Anyway, because I wasn't meeting anyone, I kept hitting snooze, and kept hitting snooze, and kept hitting snooze. My friend and running buddy Sue was doing the Chicago Triathlon that morning and on my third snooze I thought of her and told myself to get my sorry ass out of bed. Sue is 50-something and this time last year was a relatively new runner like me. And this time two years ago, she couldn't walk up her stairs without having to take a break half way through. The woman rocks and here I was slacking on a training run. So I got up and I did it and thought of her swimming in Lake Michigan and thanked my lucky stars that all I had to do was 7 miles.

(Left) Sue and I last October at the NAMI 5K. (Right) Sue and I this year at the Batavia Triathlon.
P.S. I look like shit in hats.

When I finally made it out on my run (an hour later than I had intended) I inadvertently got mixed in with a different Half Marathon that was going on in my town. As I left my house and started out on my running route, I noticed all of these volunteers and police in my neighborhood looking anxiously down the street. I asked them what was going on and they told me about the "Other Half"going on and that I was in front of all of the runners so just to keep an eye out. Coming out of my neighborhood and heading toward the running path on the Fox River, I started down this huge hill and realized as I was coming over the peak of the hill that at the bottom of it were about 50 people waiting for the runners to come by to cheer for them. Now, remember that the volunteer about two blocks back told me I was ahead of all of the runners. So, these spectators see me plodding down the hill and start slowly clapping and looking at me quizzically like "you are the head of this pack?"   I was so embarrassed so I took my headphones out and (breathlessly and sweatily) start awkwardly explaining that I was just out on a training run but, ha ha, thanks for cheering me on for my training, ha ha, red face, cough, cough, wink, wink. Some people got the joke and then cheered me on anyway, others rolled their eyes and were like, "where are the real runners?" Well, they didn't say that but were probably thinking it.

So now I'm about a mile and a half in and the fast runners start zooming past me. I've never been at the front of the pack in a race so I started pretending that I was beating them. Then again started to make awkward jokes to the spectators that "hey, I was just beating these guys, what's going on?" Delusions of Grandeur? Sure. But hey, if I had to be out there for an hour and a half running by myself, I was going to make it entertaining. It was fun seeing all of the runners and got me so excited about my upcoming Half. 13.1 miles. Damn that's far.

In addition to doing this Half Marathon for myself, I also am raising money for an amazing organization called The Gateway for Cancer Research. If you can, please check out my story and donate to this very worthy cause if you can here.

And, one last favor (and this one is FREE and easy). The philanthropic organization I am currently president of (Les Dames d'Escoffier - Chicago Chapter) is holding a huge fundraiser next weekend to raise money for scholarships for female culinary students and for our other community outreach programs (you should try to come if you can, it's going to be fabulous!). One of the ways we are raising money is to ask people to please sign up for a free newsletter from Make it Better. For every person who signs up for this free e-newsletter, Make it Better will donate $5 to our charity. Would you please do this for me? I would really appreciate it. You can sign up here: http://makeitbetter.net/lesdames-fundraiser (please share this link as well and ask your friends and family to do the same!)

Okay...more stories to come but wish me luck in these last two weeks of training!

Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a Twister!

My sister Jackie completed her very first 5K race today! I am so incredibly proud of her.

Me and my sis...I am so proud of her!

She really loved it and wants to do another one! Ahhhh, she is getting sucked into the Running Vortex. I named that need to keep running faster and further the Running Vortex. It's a slippery little slope for me because last time I got sucked into it, I did the Indianapolis 1/2 Marathon in 2004 and had such a horrible time of it that I came shooting out the other end of that Vortex and landed firmly in the Land of Couch, on top of the Runner in me with my great big house and she shriveled up and died. And there I stayed for 7 years (and didn't even get any cute shoes out of it, mind you!).

Well, I woke up from my 7 year trip to the Land of Couch and started running/training again last year.
I have been very careful to keep an eye on the Running Vortex radar. I've stuck pretty much to 5Ks and a little longer races (8K, 10K) and have recently begun training for the Fox Valley 1/2 Marathon in September. Oh God, those winds are kicking up and the sky is turning a little green. Tommy Skilling's voice is getting higher. Okay, I'm in the f*cking Vortex.

But I really, really want to stay here. I don't want to click my running shoe heels together and wake up 265 pounds again. I am scared shitless about this 1/2 Marathon and don't want to start hating running like I did last time. My head is in such a better place this time around and I am actually training properly, but I am still scared. I have been overeating the last couple of days and need to get my head back in the game. I had a horrible run this morning at the 5K and am feeling blue. Granted, it was 89 degrees at 8:00 a.m. and about 100 percent humidity and I still did the race in around 36 minutes, as opposed to the 56 minutes it took me this time last year.

Left: Windmill Whirl 5K 2011 (finished in 56-ish minutes). Right: Windmill Whirl 2012 (finished in 36-ish minutes)

I'm just letting the Vortex get to my head and all of my running demons are flying by on broomsticks past my window, right? Where the hell is Glinda when I need her?

LAST DAY - Weight Loss Diary Blog - Birth Day

It's my last day of my DAILY weight loss diary blog. My weight - 203.7. I didn't reach my goal of getting below 200 by my birthday and that...well, that sucks.

I have to say, though, while I am feeling a little blue today because I didn't reach this goal, I don't have the birthday blues. Some people get depressed on their birthdays because they are getting older. I, however, feel better than I have in many, many years. So on this, my 38th birthday, I am proud, excited, reflective and nervous about the upcoming year.

What a difference a year makes!

In the last year I've done almost 10 races (5K - 8K, triathlon), lost 60 pounds, was on the Food Network, will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary, became President of the Chicago Chapter of Les Dames d'Escoffier, changed jobs, celebrated my 20 year high school reunion, am going in to my 8th year of having my monthly Dinner Club, celebrated 25 and 27 years of friendship with my two best friends and have had more fun and worked harder than I have in a long, long time.

I'm nervous about the upcoming year because I have some big demands on me professionally that I will have to balance with getting these last 40 pounds off and trying to have a family. I hope I can have it all.

Thanks for sticking with me on this (mostly) daily weight loss journal. I am going to go back to blogging weekly. This daily thing was too much for me and I think I will be much better off talking weekly about my training, weight loss, diet and exercise plans and the crazy stuff that always seems to happen along the way. Your support and encouragement means more to me that I could ever express in this blog. Thanks for pulling for me and believing in me. I couldn't do this without you! xo 

Day 31 - Weight Loss Diary - Head in the Game

It's Day 31 of my daily weight loss diary blog - 203.9. I had a wonderful dinner with my inlaws last night. It was decadent but I didn't go insane. A couple of glasses of wine and I had the fish, which was amazing. I am so excited for tomorrow morning because I am going running! For the first time in a week and a half. I'm nervous about my calf. It feels pretty good and like I can run on it. I just don't want to reinjure it. I am going to take it easy for sure. I'll let you know how it goes!

Day 30 - Weight Loss Diary Blog - Countdown

It's Day 30 of my daily weight loss diary blog. 203.4. Do you think I can lose 4 pounds by Tuesday? Probably not but I'm sure gonna try.

I have a fancy dinner out tonight to a winery with my in-laws for my birthday and my Father-in-law's birthday. It's a really sweet tradition we started because we have birthdays within a week of each other and then we do it again in the Fall for my husband's and his stepmom's (my step-mother-in-law) birthdays which are also relatively close. I am so lucky that I have in-laws that I love and enjoy spending time with. That is including my husband's mom too. Some people struggle with one mother-in-law. I have two and they rock.

I have a family picnic tomorrow with my side of the family...another food trap. I am going to stay strong and do my best to lose these last 4 pounds. If I don't meet my goal (losing it by my birthday on July 3), I am going to come up with a new strategy.

Days 28 and 29 - Weight Loss Diary Blog - Culinerapy

It's Day 29 of my daily weight loss diary blog - 203.9. Yesterday I weighed in on Meg's scale at 205.7. Last night was my last overnight in the city, for now. I will miss Meg and her wondercat, Moxie. But I will be happy to be home more, that's for sure! Next week is finals and then I start a new quarter with new classes and new students - and a new (AND WAY BETTER) schedule!

I am still babying my calf, icing it and taking Aleve and will try to run on it on Sunday. For now I am doing modified bootcamp (I've been calling it one legged bootcamp) and biking. I am resting today though because it feels like a convection oven outside.

I posted this pic on Facebook earlier - with the post: "Icing my calf with frozen haricot vert and thinking about all of the ways I want to cook them. Culinerapy?"

The real stars of this photo are not the hericot vert, nor my poorly painted toes. Not even my semi-folded laundry. No, they're the beasts...Fifi (orange one on the left) and Pod (on my lap). Talk about therapy!

I actually really like the idea of "Culinerapy" - coping the culinary way. One of the ways I've been working on my weight loss is with my therapist and figuring out coping mechanisms that aren't eating! But maybe there are other things I can do with food to make my life better? Food is already my blessing (my livelihood) and my curse (hello, I wasn't on a show called FAT CHEF for nuthin'). Using frozen hericot vert to ice my calf while developing recipes using the little beauties for upcoming books or newsletters was very productive! 

What other ways can we use food that isn't "eating" it per se? Thoughts my brilliant readers?

Day 26 - Weight Loss Diary Blog - Stupid Calf (not the baby cow)

It's Day 26 of my daily weight loss diary blog. Still 205.6. My calf still hurts but it is not as badly. I went to bootcamp last night and did as much as I could, one legged. I was able to do almost everything except jumping jacks. I jumped rope on one leg (not fun) and the rest of it was mostly upper body stuff so I lucked out. I biked today - 11 miles. My calf felt great during the bike and then I tried walking on it afterward...not so much. Aleve and ice. Aleve and ice. Aleve and ice. I'd better be able to run on Sunday...I'm giving it til then to get better or it's gonna get it! Stupid Calf.

Okay, this is a stupid calf. Almost as stupid as mine. Photo Source

Day 25 - Weight Loss Diary - Stress

It's Day 25 of my daily weight loss diary blog - 205.6 still today. I am super stressed right now over a myriad of things, but mostly because I still have this pulled muscle in my calf and can't run. My 1/2 Marathon training was supposed to start this week. I am going to put it off until this calf is healed but it is making me crazy not being able to run. Running also helps my stress level and so I'm feeling sort of off the charts mental today.

Many of you have asked me what my training looks like for the 1/2 marathon. Here it is:

Days twenty-three and twenty-four Weight Loss Diary Blog

It's Day Twenty Four of my daily weight loss diary blog. Yesterday I was 204.6 and today I was 205.6. My 30 year reunion was last night and it was a complete blast. It was so good to see everyone and catch up with old friends. It felt like old times just with a bigger and better perspective on life. I am exhausted tonight, hence the late post. Til tomorrow!

CORRECTION: It was my 20 year reunion, not 30! Ha! I was so tired writing this!

Day 22 - Weight Loss Diary Blog - Nostalgia

It's Day 22 of my daily weight loss diary blog! 203.9 today...like it.

I really pulled that  muscle in my calf. I tried running this morning and couldn't which made me super crabby...so much so that my neighbor and running friend asked me if I had PMS. Since I had to stop running, we went kayaking on a beautiful part of the Fox River and it put me in a much better mood.

Then I got to have lunch with a old friend who is in town for the reunion. She is just (or more) beautiful as she was in High School and so incredibly nice, again, as she was in High School. It was wonderful catching up with her. It's so funny, because I told her how much I admired her in high school and how beautiful I always thought she was and she said to me, "I wish you would have told me that back then, I was so insecure." I was like, "YOU WERE INSECURE!?!" She was like a supermodel and I remember envying her so much. It just goes to show that you never know what others are going through and we sure as hell wasted a good part of our youth worrying about stupid shit. I was so happy to see her and reconnect and cannot wait for my 20 year reunion tomorrow night. I can't wait to see what the evening brings!

Day Twenty-One - Weight Loss Diary Blog - Feeling Good

It's Day Twenty-One of my daily weight loss diary blog. 205.4. Going back down...good!

The weekend and 20 year reunion is looming and I don't want to go completely off the rails like I did last weekend.

I am feeling really nostalgic so I started flipping through all of my old photo albums. I've always loved taking photos and as much as I love digital photography and having everything readily available at my fingertips, I do miss actual photographs and putting together photo albums. I don't have the patience to "scrapbook" per se, but I do love flipping through all of my old albums. And I have a lot of them. I guess I've always been an observer and have always loved documenting life.

I'm actually not in a ton of my own photo albums, it's mostly my friends and family, but it is always fun to look back. What struck me today looking at these photos is how long I have been friends with my closest friends. To look back twenty years and constantly see the same faces is such a comfort.  I am blessed with wonderful group of friends in my life who are smart, beautiful, and hilarious. I'm a lucky girl. Add my husband to that mix and my cup runneth over.

So, I am looking forward to catching up with some other old friends this weekend, seeing what everyone is up to and having a great time. These days, it's easier to keep up with people because of Facebook, etc. but it will be great to actually see everyone in person.

At the end of my run yesterday I started feeling like I pulled a muscle in my right calf. I am babying it today because I don't want to actually injure it. I think it's just a strained muscle but I can't afford an injury right now. Too focused! So, lots of Aleve, ice and staying off of it. I have to teach tonight but I am just going to be careful.

Day Twenty - Weight Loss Diary - Focus!

It's Day Twenty of my daily weight loss diary blog and I did not weigh in this morning. I was in the city overnight again and AGAIN forgot to get my friend's scale from her bathroom before I went to bed.

Did Freud say "there are no accidents." Maybe I didn't forget...maybe I was just being lazy.

My birthday is looming and I fear I'll never reach my goal. Been on track all week food-wise so far and had a very hot run today in the city on the lakefront. Happily, on my way back from my run, Buckingham Fountain was spouting and the wind helped offer a nice spray so I ran through it and cooled off a bit. I even laughed while I did it along with all of the little kids who were running through it. It was a nice moment and a reminder that you have to stop and smell the roses every once in a while (or run through a fountain spray).

Day Nineteen - Weight Loss Diary - 20 Years

It's Day Nineteen of my daily weight loss diary blog - 208.1 this morning. Yuck (actually I said a work that rhymes with Yuck but starts with an "F" very loudly this morning when I weighed in). The weekend is really catching up with me.

I did a hard bootcamp last night and went on a long and hot bike ride today. Been logging the grub religiously the last two days and will continue to do so all week.

The problem? My 20 year high school reunion is this weekend at a brewery. Shit. It's going to be a blast...seeing people I haven't seen in 20 years and feeling great about myself. If my reunion was last year at this time, I honestly don't know if I would have gone because I was so miserable about my weight. I probably would have been talked into going but I would have been a wreck about it. Now, I am just happy that I am happy with myself and can concentrate on reconnecting with old friends rather than worrying about if they are going to judge me or not.

Oh the late eighties, early nineties...how tacky you were!

20 years is a very significant number for me. It's about how long I've been struggling with obesity. I was overweight in high school a little but my real issues started my senior year into my freshman year of college when my dad died - 20 years ago. I haven't been under 200 pounds in 20 years. 20 YEARS. It seems like such a long time but it also feels like it went by in a flash. How am I going to my 20 year reunion? It is pretty monumental to me that in this 20th year of my struggles that I am on the road to fixing this issue I have been battling with for so long. 20 years. I hope in 20 years from now, I can look back at this and celebrate 20 years of a healthy life.

Days 16, 17 and 18 - Weight Loss Diary - Bad Girl

I was a bad girl this weekend and I couldn't face the music. I weighed in on Saturday and was 203.7...yay! Then I had Dinner Club Saturday night and went a little nuts. The food was actually quite healthy (minus the cake balls, of which I ate three), but I drank a lot of wine. I actually ended up staying the night because I couldn't drive. It was pretty funny the next morning doing the "walk of shame" with my dress rolled up in a ball in a plastic grocery bag and sheepishly walking to my car wearing my friend Meg's sweats and my high heels from the night before. I'm sure I looked a spectacle but at least it was innocent enough. I came home and crashed then went to Indiana to see my family and ate a lot there, too.

So, I weighed in this morning and was 207.4. Eeeep. Paying the piper. I don't think I actually gained 4 pounds in two days, but I am bloated and gross from pretending like was a member of the Rolling Stones (circa 1980) this weekend. It's fun to party like a rock star every once in a while though, even if afterwards I look like Mick Jagger (circa 2012).

I did run with the Fox Valley Marathon training group this weekend. I did well...ran about an 11 and a half / 12 minute mile for 5 miles. Running with strangers makes me super agitated though and I am not sure I will go back. Everyone was nice enough but I am so mental when I run and being with strangers makes me a little nutso and is reminiscent of when I trained with the Boston Marathon runners 10 years ago for the Indianapolis Half Marathon and promptly quit running. My therapist really earns her money with me.

Day 15 - Weight Loss Diary - Jamboree

It's Day 15 of my DWLDB - 204.5. Last night's class was a Food Jamboree. I took some pics so you can get a visual of how much food I am surrounded by in this class.

These are my "tasting plates" - each group give me 2-3 small plates that I can taste and critique for grading. Most of these are more than one bite and they are so yummy. On these platters (clockwise starting in upper left corner): Hericot Vert and Fennel Salad, Fried Oyster Po'Boy Sandwich, Jambalaya and Cheddar Grits, Bread Pudding with Bourbon Sauce, Paneed (fried) Chicken with fresh Fettucine, Leeks with Hollandaise Sauce, Shrimp and Chicken etoufee, Shrimp Bisque, Fried fish with Remoulade Sauce, Glazed Carrots, Red Beans and Rice, Gumbo and Rice. Whew! That's a lot of frickin' food.

Okay, so that's the food that I taste. I try not to eat all of it, but it's damn hard.

This is what the students put out for everyone to eat from:

That's a lot of food!

I'm doing my first training run for the Fox Valley Half Marathon tomorrow with a training group. I'm normally not a fan of running with training groups because I'm slow and it makes me a little mental. Okay, a lot mental. I'll see how the first one goes. It's 5 miles and it's supposed to be hot, but it's at 6:30 a.m. so I think I'll be okay. I've done the distance but not with strangers. I just need to stay focused on me and not worry about anyone else.

Day Fourteen - Weight Loss Diary - Yo!

Yo! It's Day Fourteen of my daily weight loss diary blog (or the DWLDB). 204.6. Finally, the post-tri bloat fest is deflating. I feel like such a Yo-Yo, though. Am I ever going to get below 200?

Tonight is going to be tough class...Cajun and Creole food. Yum. In this class (American Regional Cuisine), the students work in three teams to execute three different menus and have to either plate the food like they would at a restaurant or set up a buffet. Everyone sits in the dining room and tastes all of the food and we talk about cooking techniques, local ingredients to that region and customs and traditions of that region. It is a really cool class and all of my students are awesome. It's always interesting and the food is always good. It is so hard not to overeat.

My strategy lately has been to have them make me a very small tasting plate of each of their dishes (which leaves me with 10-12 tasting plates) and I take my tasting plates in the dining room and just eat those while the students hit the buffet. I critique the food (too salty, not salty enough, meat doneness is just right, overdone, underdone, etc.) and tell myself I am only going to eat what is on my tasting plate and not go up for seconds. I make them, literally, give me one bite of food of each of their dishes so it really equates to about a full meal, sometimes a little more. If I go up for seconds, well, that's way overdoing it.

Last week I went up for seconds just of the meat (lamb roast) and fish (halibut) and had a little extra soba noodles. I try to avoid seconds anything fried, or "white" (rice, bread, potatoes, etc.) and have been okay at it. Tonight will be tough. I love Cajun food.

Yesterday, with the cookies, it was easier not to taste anything in class because I was grading them more on the technique and the doneness of all of the cookies as well as the decorating. I didn't have to taste them to grade them. If I don't have to taste at all, it's much easier not to eat the food. It's the little tiny taste that whets my palate and then, well, it's 1000 times more difficult. Especially the savory food. I love sweets but can live without them. Try to take away crunchy, salty, chewy, meaty, cheesy food from me and, well, you may draw back a bloody stump.

I am so lucky because I love my job but it sure makes this whole weight loss thing difficult. But, I had this same problem when I wasn't a chef, so, I really can't blame my job. I mean, I know a lot of healthy, fit chefs. I will figure this out and, yes, the taking the stairs can help (a la Robert's solution on Fat Chef for me) but I need to learn to control myself too. I want the change more than I want the food. I have to remember that. Tell that to the Shrimp Etoufee looming in my future. 

Day Thirteen - Weight Loss Diary - Fail

It's Day Thirteen (on the 13th no less!) of my daily weight loss diary blog and my weight is...um...I forgot to weigh in the morning.

I told you last week how I stay the night in the city on Tuesday nights because I teach late on Tuesdays and then really early on Wednesdays. It's a 45 mile drive each way, so...I stay in the city. I was so tired last night that I forgot to ask Meg if I could take her scale into the bathroom I use in the morning and so, well, I forgot to weigh in. I didn't want to go tip-toeing into her bedroom, past her bed into her bathroom to try and snag the scale. First of all, if she woke up and saw me tip-toeing past her bed, that would be creepy and second of all, she has an adorable and totally insane cat who I didn't want to disturb. It was 5:30 a.m., after all. So, I didn't weigh in. Bad me.

I feel less puffy today, though, and I've been surrounded by effing cookies and cupcakes all day and I didn't touch a g-damn one of them. And I went running. Phew, I'm exhausted. I get to sleep in tomorrow, thank God! But my night class is making Cajun and Creole food tomorrow...not going nuts on that food will be WAY harder than avoiding the cupcake and cookie extravaganza that's going on around here right now.

Day Twelve - Weight Loss Diary - Water Balloon

It's Day Twelve of my daily weight loss diary blog! 208.2...UGH! I woke up so swollen this morning, I looked like I had been injected with water. My face looked like a water balloon. Yuk! I am hoping that the post-triathlon-refueling-and-hydration-extravaganza will start to wear off soon and I will feel normal again.

I experienced the hugest boost to my ego today. My dear friend, Meg, is a 5th grade teacher at an elementary school on the West Side of Chicago and she invited me to spend the day with her 5th graders and do a cooking project with them based on Roald Dahl's (author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, etc.) cookbook, "Revolting Recipes." Part of the cooking project was that the students had to research me and do a PowerPoint presentation on my work and life. OMG I was dying! They were so flattering and so adorable. It was both surreal and touching at the same time. I felt like such a rockstar. I happen to big on the 5th grade circuit, who knew! ;-)

At the end of the day, one of the kids gave me a homemade bookmark she made for me and as I was leaving they were shouting, "We love you Chef Jen". I wanted to die it was so frickin' cute. Holy shit, though, there is no way I could do that every day for a living. I was exhausted by the end of the day. I don't know how Meg and all of the other elementary, middle and high school teachers do it. You have to be a special kind of person to dedicate your life to teaching children and I am in awe.

Check out some of these PowerPoints, they are so adorable:

Love the "Eye of the Tiger"

One of the kids asked me for my autograph...I was dying! It was so sweet!

Damn Right!

Worlds Greatest Chef! Come on!!!!! How frickin' cute is that. 

Pretty? Seriously, my heart was bursting.

Days Ten and Eleven - Weight Loss Diary Blog

I missed posting yesterday because of the Batavia Triathlon (I even forgot to weigh in because I was so focused on the race). Today I weighed in at 207.5 which is a huge jump from Saturday. I know, though, that it is because of the race yesterday. I was am so full of water, Gatorade, salt and pancakes from yesterday and am beyond bloated so I knew my weight would be high today. Hopefully in the next couple of days it will go back down and then continue to go down. I am going to write about the triathlon in a separate blog post but I wanted to get this one out there, especially since I forgot yesterday. The race was amazing and I can't wait to tell you all about it! In the meantime, here's a little pic from yesterday!

DONE!

Day Nine - Weight Loss Diary Blog - 545th Place

Day Nine of my daily weight loss diary blog - 203.2. Like it...one of the only times when losing is good. Well, that's not true, really. I came in last place in the Batavia Triathlon last year. 545th place to be exact. So I lost. BIG TIME. But did I really? Some people consider anything other than first place losing. I sure as hell don't. I finished. And because I finished, I won. And I will win again tomorrow. Maybe not a medal. Maybe not a trophy. Maybe not even in the top 500. But I will finish. I will win. And I'll keep going on Monday. I can't believe it's been a year since I began this journey. More than that, really. It's amazing what can happen in a year. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. It's supposed to be 90 degrees tomorrow. I will need them.

What a difference a year makes!

Day Eight - Weight Loss Diary - NERVOUS!

It's Day Eight of my daily weight loss diary blog - 204.1. I am SO NERVOUS about the Triathlon on Sunday. I have had a super busy week and a super busy weekend and I am so unorganized for this triathlon. Last year by this time, I had my prep list done, and I was nervous but ready. This year...I don't even know where my bathing suit is right now. Holy crap!

Here I am coming into the finish of the 2011 Batavia Triathlon last year...laughing, bawling, barely able to breathe. Wonder what this year will be like?

Day Seven - Weight Loss Diary - Bleh

 It's Day Seven of my daily weight loss diary blog. I am at 204.9. Bleh is all I can say. I am not letting myself get mental over it, though.

I am not really working out this week because the Batavia Triathlon is Sunday and I am saving my legs for the 400m Swim, the 14.7 mile bike ride and the 4.1 mile run. Whew, it's going to be tough. I am stressed to say the least.

I am working on keeping my head in the game but it's very difficult to lose weight when you're not working out, unless you are starving yourself and who the hell wants to do that? I couldn't starve myself even if I wanted to (and again, who the hell would want to?) because of my job. I have to taste my students' food for a living and dammit if they aren't all doing really well this quarter and cooking some kick-ass food. Poor me, right?


Be sure to join me and my local "Fat Chef on Food Network" trainer, Chris Hylton of River West Family Fitness at the Batavia Green Walk 2012 on Friday, June 8 from 5-8 in downtown Batavia, Illinois. I'll be doing cooking demonstrations and Chris will lead one of his FAMOUS Bootcamp classes at 6:30 in the bandshell. Hope to see you there!

Day Six - Weight Loss Diary - Mental

It's Day Six of my daily weight loss diary blog! Okay, before I post my weight, I have a little disclaimer. I weighed myself on a different scale this morning. Because of my teaching schedule, I stay the night in the city on Tuesday nights because I teach late on Tuesday night and early on Wednesday morning. It's a 45 mile drive each way to home from work, so one of my dear friends lets me crash in her spare bedroom on Tuesday nights.

So, anyway, I weighed in on her scale at 205.6 this morning. I'm trying not to be mental about it. I will see what is on my scale tomorrow. Til then!

Day Five - Weight Loss Diary - Positive Thinking

It's Day Five of my daily weight loss diary blog - 202.4! Holy crap, what the hell is going on? I haven't lost a pound in two months and this week I've lost 5. WTF?

I wish I could say I've been working out like a madwoman and eating nothing but grilled fish and broccoli but that's so far from the truth. I have been working out regularly, but not excessively at all. I have also been very conscience of what I've been eating and logging most of it, but again, not super regimented.

I have to think it's a couple of factors that are contributing to the weight loss. One is booze. I stopped indulging in my wine and Skinnygirl Margaritas on the weekends. It is rare that I ever drink during the week but on the weekends, I love sitting on my deck with my beloved and our friends and drinking wine or cocktails. However, I'm not really a one-glass-of-wine-kinda-girl and I tend to want several glasses. Several glasses usually leads to overeating and I think that has become my cycle the last couple of months. Now, I'm not saying I'll never drink again, but until I get to my goal, I am going to have to stay a teetotaler except for very special occasions. While depressing, I want this change more than I want Sauvignon Blanc (most days at least). Sigh. 

The other factor, I think, is positive thinking. I know that sounds like I'm an Oprah-drone hippy, but I have to say, I really do believe it. Whether you believe in God, or the Universe, or Budda, or all of it, or whatever it is you believe in, I really feel like me writing this blog and putting it out there that I am going to do this and having some faith is helping me make it happen. I have been in a really bad place the last two months and finally feel like I am coming out of it. Positivity really makes a difference in my life and when I feel positive, positive things happen. I'm not saying I have a vision board and light candles to a picture of size 8 pants or anything, but I am being nicer to myself and focusing on the change in my life rather than what I'm not accomplishing. That has to count for something, right?

Day Four - Weight Loss Diary - Focus

It's Day Four of my daily weight loss diary blog and I am at 204.2. Steadily going down which is what I want to see!

Opposite of most people, I am more regimented and can focus more on my weight loss and fitness goals on the weekend rather than during the week. With my teaching schedule and my commute it has been very hard for me to stay consistent with eating, especially with teaching Baking and Pastry as well as American Regional Cuisine. Both classes result in loads of very yummy and unhealthy food. My other class I am teaching, Garde Manger, has equally delicious food but does not have the variety or quantity that these other two classes have and it's more manageable to not over eat in that class. Except for last week when we did a cheese tasting and made cheese. I LOVE CHEESE!

Cheese tasting plate - starting at 12 o'clock - Brie, Aged Cheddar, Horseradish Cheddar, Manchego, Same Manchego with Fig and Black Tea Preserves, Raw Sheep's Milk Manchego, 5 Year Aged Gouda, Smoked Gouda with Cumin, St. Agur Bleu (the best bleu cheese I've ever had in my life) and Extra Sharp Vermont Cheddar.

Day Three - Weight Loss Diary - Designate this!

Day Three of the daily weight loss diary blog. 204.4 this morning. It's really early and I'm on my way to run the Ronald McDonald House/Hope Children's Hospital 5K in honor of little Elizabeth Grice, the 3 year old daughter of my dear friend Sandy who we lost on May 20. It's going to be a beautiful and sad day. I'm going for a running PR in honor of this little sweetie pie and her amazing family. They truly are the strongest people I know.

Last night we went to the Hop Juice Fest at Two Brothers Brewery in Aurora and I was the designated driver for my husband and several neighbors. Being the designated driver is an honorable and important job. Oh, and, yeah, it totally sucks. Especially when it includes a late night run to a taco stand. I did have a couple of bites of my husband's burrito and more than a handful of tortilla chips. I called it carb loading for today. Ha! I hope my stomach holds out.

Anyway, downward I go! Wish me luck on the race and please keep the Grice family in your thoughts and prayers today.

BLOG UPDATE!
The 5K was beautiful and fun. The Team Elizabeth runners and walkers were such a wonderful tribute to this darling little girl and her incredible family. The fact that her parents (my friends Sandy and Paulie) were there and did the walk really speaks to how unbelievably strong they are.

I did not PR (was going for 32 minutes) but I still, unofficially, did 33 minutes and 44 seconds, which to me is still a fantastic run! It was tough but I can tell my asthma is getting better.

One of  best parts of this race other than the tribute to Elizabeth was that one of my dear friends, Amy, ran her first 5K. She started using the Couch to 5k app on her iPhone (the active.com app) and she ran the whole thing and sprinted like a bullet into the finish. It was so amazing! She totally rocked it and I was so proud of her!

Me and Amy after the race. She was awesome.

My next race is the Batavia Triathlon this Sunday! I can't believe it's here already. I am so excited and nervous for it. Til tomorrow!

Day Two - Weight Loss Diary - What The?

So it's Day Two of my daily weight loss diary blog. The last time I weighed myself was Monday morning and I was at 207.4. I weighed myself this morning and I was at 204.6. What the????? Whatever, I'll take it. Can't explain it, but I'll take it.

I'm getting ready to head over to Saturday morning bootcamp, which is always killer, then it's housework and yardwork all day today. Both good calorie burners, though. We're going to the Hop Juice Festival tonight at Two Brothers in Aurora. I will be the DD (designated driver) because I'm off booze until my birthday to help get to the new decade. Should be fun?

On a Mission

Wow, it's been a long time since I blogged. Two months to be exact. I haven't been feeling inspired to write at all and I'm not sure why. Writing is usually the first way I go to express myself...texts, emails, blog posts, Facebook and Twitter posts...writing is usually the way that I express myself best. But lately - pretty uninspired.

I've had a lot of upheaval lately (good and bad) and I am feeling unraveled. Everything is fine, I am just working on adjusting to a new schedule at work, teaching more (thus eating more), a bathroom remodel, taking over the Presidency of Les Dames d'Escoffier (a huge milestone in my career) and some family and friends who are suffering and in need of my support. Some incredible things, some heartbreaking things, including the loss of a dear friend's three year old daughter.

Dear Sweet Elizabeth Grice, 3, who went home to God on Sunday, May 20.
Her mom, Sandy, is a dear friend of mine and we are all running and walking in the Ronald McDonald House/Hope Children's Hospital 5K this Sunday, June 3. The RMH was Sandy and her husband Paulie and their oldest daughter, Abigail's, home for a long time during little Elizabeth's many surgeries. If you are interested in donating to Team Elizabeth Grice to benefit the Ronald McDonald House/Hope Children's Hospital Charity, please visit this web site: http://www.active.com/donate/runningforhope2012/SGrice4. I'm going for a running PR in honor of this darling girl and her incredible family. 

It's all been a lot for me, emotionally, and instead of processing it I have been shutting down and being very hermit-y. Also, my weight loss has completely stalled and I'd love to say that I just can't figure out what the problem is but frankly, I'm working out less and eating (and drinking) more. No excuses. I haven't been doing what I know works to get more weight off.

The night I accepted the Presidency of the Chicago Chapter of Les Dames d'Escoffier at the Ritz Carlton in Chicago. With two good friends, Candance Barocci Warner and Nancy Brussat. One of the biggest milestones of my career.

I keep reiterating to people that the pursuit of fitness, health and weight loss has nothing to do with motivation and everything to do with the desire to change, which I still 100 percent stand by and believe, but lately, the change apparently has been less important to me. I am still stuck at just over 200 pounds (207.4 to be exact) and I haven't been under 200 pounds in 20 years. WHY CAN'T I KEEP GOING TO GET UNDER 200? I don't know, but I am on a mission to not only figure out what my issue is (so I am back to going to therapy once a week rather than once every two weeks) but also to kick it back into gear to get under than damn number. I know, I know. It's not about the number but how you feel, etc. I KNOW. But it is about THIS number for me. I have some sort of mental block about getting under 200 pounds and I need to figure it the hell out!

At the 2011 Batavia Triathlon. The 2012 Triathlon is June 10 this year. I can't wait to see how I do 60 pounds lighter! With Meg and Liz.

So, to help me to this, I am going to take a page from a weight loss blogger I admire (The Anti-Jared) and I am going to post my weight daily (YES, DAILY) as well as a short blog post about how it's going until my birthday on July 3. I want to lose 8 pounds as the ultimate 38th birthday to myself and I feel like this will keep me accountable, and help me process all of the nuttiness in my life by doing something that is very therapeutic for me (writing).

Your encouragement, posts, tweets, texts, emails and calls are welcomed and encouraged. I need my incredible support system to help me accomplish this next huge goal. I know 8 pounds doesn't seem like a lot, but it is to me and will get me to a goal I've been dreaming about for 20 years.

So today is day one of the daily weight loss blog. Weight: 207.4. I mean, I lost 52 pounds in 14 weeks doing Fat Chef so I can do this, right? RIGHT?

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Half a Billion Dreams

One of my favorite things to do with my husband is dream about what we would do if we won the lottery. With the big 500 million dollar prize looming, it’s even more fun to fantasize about. Truthfully, I can’t even imagine what half a billion dollars looks like, but I sure know how I want to spend it. And yes, I know it wouldn’t really be 500 million dollars after taxes and all that, blah blah blah, and I know I have a better chance being killed by a vending machine than winning that money but stop being a buzz kill and fantasize along with me for a moment.

I like to think that the first thing I would do would be something charitable but honestly, the first thing I would do would take a sabbatical (ha, like a 50 year sabbatical) from work and Mike and I would go to the fanciest fat farm in the world (I’m thinking Sweden or somewhere amazing like that) for two months and finally get down to my goal weight and then have plastic surgery to tone up all of the loose skin I would inevitably have. God is that shallow, or what? But I would totally do it.

I would, of course, ensure my and my husband’s entire families and closest friends were set up for the rest of their lives with college funds, paid off mortgages and other debts, etc. and invest a ton of it to live off the interest, etc. That’s the boring stuff. Important, but boring.

I would rent the entire Fiji Islands and bring all of my friends and family there for a week long party.

I would set up a foundation to pay off the college debt of recent graduates who put themselves through school with hard work and sacrifice. I’ve seen too many scholarships go to waste and don’t you think it would be so awesome to work your ass off to get through school and then have someone pay off all of your school debt and give you like $50,000 to start your life off right? And it would be a surprise at graduation for them. God, I love the thought of that! That’s a serious life changer.

I’d buy houses in San Francisco, Chicago, New York City, Breckenridge (or whatever ski town Mike wants), Marathon Key and Florence, Italy and full staff to take care of them so that Mike and I (or our friends and family) could go to any of them at any time we felt like it.

I’d call up Michael Kors and ask him if I could buy part of his company and be his business partner (and ask him to be my gay boyfriend) and wear nothing but his clothes for the rest of my life.

I’d start a school or foundation for overweight culinary students to teach them how to be healthy, lose weight, and become practitioners of healthy lifestyles to help change the foodservice industry.

I’d buy the house next door to Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa) and weasel my way into her life so we’d become lifelong friends and drink tea together from the freshly grown mint in our gardens and swap recipes and ideas for how to use hydrangeas. God, I just broke out into a sweat.

I’d make sure Robert Brace (my trainer from Fat Chef) and Chris my local trainer could both work out with me every day. You know, I’d just fly them in for the workout and fly them back home afterwards, wherever Mike and I were that week.

And I would have spa treatments every day.

Okay so the majority of that is really shallow and you all know that, of course, I would give a huge portion of the money to the right charities (ones that actually get amazing things done) but this is a fantasy and I want Ina Garten to be my tea-drinking buddy. Even if I have to buy her love.

Exercise is fun?

I beat over 6800 people in a race yesterday! Me! The Girl Who Comes in Last beat that many people. Okay, so 27,500 people beat me in the race, but hey, I’m a glass-is-half-full -kinda-gal. Really, though, I don’t care what place I came in, but I do care about my time for the race. I talked about in my last blog about how I have to change my frame of reference in races now that I am more than halfway to my weight loss goal of 100 pounds. It’s not “just” about finishing now (which is an admirable goal, don’t get me wrong) but I need to push myself to get to a higher level in my fitness and weight loss goals. So I set a goal to complete the Bank of America Shamrock Shuffle in under an hour and I did it! In 57 minutes and 39 seconds to be exact. And, I can’t believe this, but I had fun doing it. A lot of fun.

BEAT MY GOAL!

Now, don’t get me wrong. It was hard as hell, especially the Mt. Everest sized hill that preceded the finish line, but it was also a helluva good time. I raced with three of my closest friends and we dressed up in crazy outfits and it was a beautiful day in downtown Chicago and we were right in the middle of 35,000 people running like lunatics through the streets of the city. It was a blast!

Spending the day, beating goals, with my best girls! Stacey, me, Meg and Draga.

When we hit mile 4, I was actually shocked at how fast it was going and couldn’t believe that we had less than a mile left to finish. That never, ever happens to me. I didn’t have runners high at all, but it was just going by so fast. I actually still can’t believe it. My experiences running at all, let alone in races, were always ones of dying, out of breath, red faced, cursing and feeling slightly humiliated that I was plodding along with my anything-but-graceful stomp of a stride at the end of the pack, wounded wildebeest style. I was still all of those things but I was right in the middle of the pack, running at what I consider a great pace and I was smiling through the whole thing (still am actually). Less wounded wildebeest and more happy hyena. Well, maybe not happy at the end of that hill but once I was able to breathe again and the lights stopped popping in front of my eyes, I held hands with my girls and we barreled through the finish line, laughing/grimacing all the way!

Holding hands through the glorious finish!

I then managed to completely lose my mind and eat my weight in junk food all day. I don’t know what came over me and I felt like complete shit by the end of the day. So much so that I went to bed early thinking I caught the flu. I woke up this morning just fine and was reminded of how important good nutrition is and that I spent so many years of my life unknowingly feeling like shit because I ate whatever I wanted all the time completely mindlessly. I never knew what truly feeling healthy felt like.

This is usually how I feel in races (or running at all).

I woke up this morning not wanting more junk food or feeling derailed at all, which would have been my M.O. in the past and would have led me through a drive thru for a delicious nasty breakfast sandwich. Not anymore, though. I had a healthy protein shake and vowed to eat cleanly to detox my body from the piles of crap I consumed yesterday, which, at the time, were delicious but so not worth the stomach ache, heartburn and fever symptoms I felt at the end of the night.

Epic, indeed.

Wild Animals and Post Traumatic Stress

The Batavia Triathlon is 13 weeks away! I can’t believe it. That also means that SUMMER IS COMING! My favorite season and I can’t wait. Although I can’t complain because we have had an incredibly mild and warm Winter, which I’m hoping means the same thing for Spring and Summer. It’s 70 degrees today in Chicago in early March and I welcome it with open arms! I didn’t even need to wear anything other than a long sleeved t-shirt on my 3 mile run this morning at 5:30 a.m. Well and that and pants, of course. Wouldn’t that have been a sight to see! Ha!

My last three days of workouts have been extremely hard on me and I’m not sure why. I had a hot stone massage (oh yeah, baby) on Saturday and I am now paranoid that it weakened my muscles. My run on Sunday was agonizingly hard, although it was a trail run, which I never do. It was beautiful, by the way, and we saw a ton of deer, really close up. They did make me a little nervous though because they were really big and, um, wild animals! I was running with one of my best friends who I have been friends with since I was 11 years old and we often manage to get ourselves into sticky situations. We were chased by two Dobermans once when we were 12 - she on a bike with one pedal and me on a bike that was too big for me and I could barely reach the pedals. Probably not the best pair to navigate a trail full of deer (and God knows what else). I asked her if deer bite (as if she would know) and she was like, “Uh, I don’t think so?” with very little confidence. Needless to say, we must have looked nuts yelling and clapping, trying to scare the deer away. They were just looking at us like, “bitch, please.” I think I even saw one roll it’s eyes.

So, that was a tough run, then in Bootcamp on Monday I felt like it was Day One all over again. I huffed, and puffed and sweated like a beast through the whole thing. And then this morning, I struggled to make the entire three miles of my run and had to walk a couple of times. What is wrong with me? Hopefully by Bootcamp tomorrow night my body will shake whatever yuckiness it’s feeling and I’ll be back to my old self. Although Wednesday night Bootcamp is notoriously hard; so much so that we’ve renamed it Pukecamp. For good reason. At least I’m not letting this yuckiness keep me from working out. I just need to slug through it.

I had this really sad moment of post traumatic stress over the weekend. Like I said, I had a massage on Saturday that was part of a really fun day with my two best friends - fabulous (healthy) lunch and then to the spa. We lingered a little too long over lunch and had to high tail it to the spa which was across a very large mall. I, in typical fashion, had extremely inappropriate walking shoes on (5 inch wedge heel boots) and was falling behind them trying to make it to our appointments on time. I told them to run ahead and check us in and I’d meet them there. I didn’t want to try and run in those boots and risk injuring myself. That’s all I need. So they ran ahead and I plodded behind them. All of a sudden, I had this overwhelming feeling like I was going to cry and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I had to really stop and assess my feelings and I realized that I used to never be able to keep up with my very fit and active friends because I was too heavy. This time it wasn’t the weight holding me back, but I still had the same feeling. Now, my friends are amazing and never, ever made me feel badly for not being able to keep up in the past. They never even acknowledged it, but it was always the elephant in the room (no pun intended). But I always knew it was there and was always embarrassed by it. When I got to the spa behind them I told them about it and they both felt so badly. It really was a gift, though, because it was a clear demonstration of how far I’ve come and a heartbreaking reminder that the only time I ever want to fall behind again is because of fabulous shoes. That, I can live with.The alternative, I can't.

Training, Eating and Stress (Oh My!)

Thank you, again, to everyone who watched my episode of Fat Chef on Food Network and who reached out with kind words, support and love. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and affection for each and every one of you.

So, on with life! I have two large fitness goals coming up. The first one is the Batavia Triathlon on June 10, 2012 and the Fox Valley Half Marathon on September 16, 2012.

I am especially excited to participate in the Batavia Triathlon. I think of last year and all of the fears I had surrounding the event. This year feels so different. I’m still anxious about the actual event itself. A triathlon is damn hard no matter how in-shape you are but I have come to realize that I have to change the way I think about participating in it. Last year I was all about finishing. “I just want to finish,” was my mantra. And finish I did…dead last. I didn’t care at all that I was last. Well, I did care for a little bit when I doubted whether I could keep moving on towards the end there, but my focus was just FINISHING.

Bringing up the rear! Batavia Triathlon 2011.

This year, I need a new focus. I am at a different level, physically and mentally, and I need to focus on improving my performance in the race. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any delusions of grandeur here, but I do want to perform well. It’s not about being the Big Girl Triathlon Finisher anymore. I am not diminishing that experience at all – I was over 260 pounds when I finished that triathlon and that was one of the proudest moments of my life. But now I have to focus on the next level of health and fitness for me; improving form and results. Chris, my trainer, is helping with this. And by helping I mean he is completely up my ass commenting on and correcting every move I make, which I am grateful for (most of the time).

My trainer Chris with me at my final weigh in for Fat Chef. Don't let the pearly whites fool you, he's a beast. P.S. how awesome are my shoes?

The half marathon scares me. The last time I ran a half marathon, I completely stopped running afterwards  because it was a terrible experience. Again, I am a totally different person this time and am approaching it differently but I’m still scared. And being scared makes me stressed and being stressed makes me want to eat buckets full of ice cream.

I’m not eating buckets full of ice cream (or buckets full of anything for that matter, Hello! Portion control!), but I still have to work every day at managing my stress and emotions and not using food as a tool for that. Stress also inhibits weight loss which is a super fun conundrum! I’ve been working with my therapist about this and my obsession with getting below 200 pounds. She basically told me that in the past, whatever goal I have set for myself I’ve achieved within the timeline I set for achieving it. I’m frustrated because this goal of getting below 200 pounds isn’t happening fast enough for my liking and the stress over obsessing about it is hampering the weight loss. Isn’t that a nice little vicious circle? So, instead of focusing on getting under 200 pounds as a goal, she wants me to focus on goals that have more immediate results (like improving my running speed or my form in Bootcamp class) which will have a by-product of weight loss. I can stop obsessing with being below 200 pounds and focus on improving my results for both races. Hopefully a win-win-win situation.

Now, if I can figure out how to eat buckets full of ice cream without gaining weight…oh well, a goal for another time.

P.S. Still keeping my Lenten promise of no alcohol except for the night after my episode of Fat Chef aired. I got special dispensation from the best Catholic at my table that night (thanks, Liz) to celebrate with a couple (ahem, 5) glasses of wine. I had some friends come out to celebrate with me and my best supporter (and the cutest guy I know).  

Day after show airing party. Aside from really being able to see my weight loss in this pic, I really love it because my bra is showing. My husband is a lucky, lucky man.

 

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